Photo Courtesy: Center for Parent and Teen Communication
By Dr. Ken Ginsburg
Disclosure: My nearly 30-year-old daughters are my best friends. That’s where you want to land. It is not, however, the way to parent a child or adolescent. Becoming a “friend” too early can actually make it less likely you’ll have the lifelong interdependence and mutual support that define a healthy parent-adult child friendship.
Why Parents Want to Be Their Child’s Friend
Friendship can be fun. As we see our children focus more on their peers, we may want to be part of that world. For parents who grew up with strict or distant mothers and fathers, the idea of being a “friendly” parent feels especially appealing.
It makes sense. Being your child’s friend can feel like a strategy to draw them closer. And while it might work for a while, it won’t keep them close over time.
The Nature of Adolescent Friendships
Tweens and teens often seem consumed by their friendships. They may even tell you they wish you were more like their friends: nonjudgmental, reliable, and understanding. Those words can sting. But take a step back. Are their friends fun? Yes. Reliable and understanding? Not always.
Adolescence is about answering one of life’s hardest questions: Who am I? Teens also ask, Am I normal? and Do I fit in? They try on new identities and shift behaviors to belong. Their friends may know who they’re trying to be, but not necessarily who they really are.
Friendships can be affirming, but they can also be unstable and judgmental. Teens know this. They spend enormous emotional energy worrying about staying “in.” A single day can flip a friendship. That’s why parents must help kids build multiple circles of friends—through school, after-school activities, camp, religious groups, or neighborhood connections. When one group falters, another can provide support. Without that safety net, rejection can lead to isolation and harmful choices made to fit in.
Why Being Your Child’s Friend Backfires
Children should never fear that disappointing you—or even making serious mistakes—will fracture your relationship. Teens already fear rejection from peers. They should never fear rejection from their parents.
If you position yourself as a friend, your child may withhold struggles for fear of disappointing you. That means you might not know when they need you most.
You are more than a friend. You are a parent. And you are irreplaceable.
Who Your Child Needs You to Be
Your presence must be reliable and unwavering. Your love must be unconditional. That doesn’t mean you accept all behaviors—you shouldn’t. It means you love them enough to hold them to high standards while making it clear you will never stop loving them.
You are also the person who truly understands your child. You know their strengths—the ones you’ve seen since kindergarten—as well as their challenges, even the ones that make you want to tear your hair out. You may not know every detail of their daily life, but you know them at their core. And you choose to love them fully. That is the most protective force a child can have.
Parenting is a sacred responsibility. When you provide unconditional love, clear boundaries, and deep understanding, you give your child what no friend ever could: the security of being known and loved for exactly who they are.
***
Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.
This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.