By Dr. Ken Ginsburg
As our children become teenagers, it’s wise to broaden the circle of adults around them. Parents will always play the central role, but there are three reasons it is strategic and loving to ensure other adult influences.
First, teens need to envision themselves as adults and recognize the many ways they can make productive contributions. Second, in the journey towards independence, it is natural – and expected – that adolescents will (temporarily!) push their parents away. We want to ensure that adult influencers are present when these moments arise. Third, sometimes, because adolescents care so much about their parents’ opinions, they'll test their ideas with other adults before they bring them home.
Help Teens See Their Future Selves
Identity development dominates a young person's adolescence. “Who am I?“ is the central question. But other questions roll around their minds, bringing both excitement and dread: “What can I do for a living?,” “Will I ever make a difference?,” “Will it matter to anyone that I am here?”
To answer, teens try on many “hats.” Parents remain role models, but they can’t be the only ones. When we expose young people to adults in varied roles – nurses, carpenters, rabbis, artists, small-business owners – they can better imagine a future that fits. These exposures point them toward possible careers, and more importantly, relieve the crushing sense that there is only one right path.
Keep Watchful Eyes and Give Meaningful Guidance
Even families with close parent-teen relationships benefit when other adults remain involved. Why? Because adolescence is about practicing independence. To imagine a future without constant parental guidance, children push their parents away – not because they don’t love them, but because they love them so much it hurts.
This can sting, even feel like rejection. But remember: the independence push is aimed at you, not at every adult. Which is why having teachers, coaches, clergy and mentors around matters. They fill in when your child won’t let you.
Why Our Teens Practice With Adults Other Than Their Parents
Sometimes our kids don’t tell us things – not because they don’t think we care, but because they worry we care too much. They don’t want to disappoint us, and they worry about burdening us. Trusted adults can become safe sounding boards. They might even allow teens to role-play conversations, asking, “How do you think my parents would handle this?”
And yes, sometimes the best of these adults are trained professionals – therapists, counselors, youth workers – who can both hold a teen’s privacy and secrets and gently steer them back to parents when it matters.
Parents are Irreplaceable
Parents will never be replaced. But no parent should go it alone. Other adults add protective layers, open new doors and remind kids they belong to a larger community.
Stand by your teen. Invite others in. The more adults who care about shaping young lives, the stronger the next generation will be.
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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.
This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.