Create Bandwidth so Your Teen Knows You Are Available to Them

By Dr. Ken Ginsburg

When our children are small, we usually know how they are feeling. A scraped knee brings tears, and a new toy brings cheers. However, as our children enter the teen years, they make choices about whether to involve us. This is often a good thing. It is a stepping stone to independence for your teen because they should learn to draw comfort from themselves and not involve you in small matters they can handle. However, you want your adolescent to come to you when they need you most. In fact, you never want your child to experience any barrier in gaining your guidance and wisdom or accessing your loving support.

Whether your adolescent involves you when they are struggling may be heavily influenced by their sense of whether you can handle adding their problem to your plate. Adolescents care deeply about their parents’ well-being and will go to great lengths to not burden you if they sense you've got too much going on. Reread that last sentence. It is true. It deserves the reread because it refutes a myth about adolescence. The falsehood says adolescents don't care what their parents think or feel. But teens deeply value parents’ opinions. Often their own sense of well-being is linked to their perceptions of their parents’ emotional and mental well-being. (Your child may not admit these sentiments openly, but they are nonetheless true.)

To spare us, our adolescents may withhold their distress from us. We must help them understand that even if we have other burdens, we will always make room for them. They honor us when they include us in their lives. We must communicate that when they spare us by withholding important information, it prevents us from doing what is most important to us - parenting them. Even when dealing with other issues in our lives, parenting them reminds us of what we really care about and can help us become recentered.

Critically, we need to let our children know that we have or will make the time to be able to meet their needs. Demonstrate how you prioritize your self-care, whether through exercise, relaxation, or creative expression. Let them see you reach out to others for support. Prioritize healthy relationships in your lives, whether with meaningful friendships, relatives, or professional support. Even let them know that when something is added to your plate, you reach out for support so you can shoulder more. [A note of caution: Do not have your adolescent interpret that you engage others to help you work through the specific problem they have presented. The fear of losing privacy may make them withhold information. Instead, let them know you gain the energy to give to them by receiving it from others.]

We want to instill within our teenagers that they are, and will always be, a priority for us. The security they draw from that knowledge will add to their resilience now and contribute to strengthening your relationship for decades to come. We belong to each other. We never stop needing each other. People thrive in interdependent relationships. If that lesson takes hold during the adolescent years, you will benefit from it in the future when your relationship with your adult child is based on mutual support and unwavering love.

Have The “Please Don’t Spare Me” Conversation

If you have had personal hardships in your life or come from historical or generational trauma, there is a good chance that your child will go out of their way to not burden you with the details of their life. They might go as far as to portray themselves as “perfect” to please you or spare you. This prevents you from being the active parent you hope to be and deprives your child from getting support they need from you.

If this is the case in your family, try getting across the following points in language that feels comfortable to you.

• “I notice that you often think of how you can take care of me or please me.”

• If you have had a recent or current hardship, such as a loss of a close relative, personal illness, difficult separation or divorce, or financial challenges, consider adding: “This seems especially true ever since you have seen me going through _____________.”

• If you have historical or generational trauma, and/or have immigrated to this country for a better life, consider adding: “You know that we have invested a lot of energy in making sure you could have a good life, and I know that you appreciate that.”

• “I want you to know that I am grateful to have a child who thinks of my well-being.”

• “I also notice, however, that you sometimes go out of your way to spare me. I feel like sometimes you withhold important information from me because you worry about burdening me.” (If true, add the following: “It seems like you share all that is going right for you, as if everything is perfect, but not the struggles we all experience.”)

• “I will ask you not to spare me from the important details of your life, especially when you would benefit from my support. No matter what I have going on, guiding and supporting you is the most important thing to me.”

• “Especially when things are not going well for me, I know that I can still be a good parent to you. That fuels me and is so very meaningful to me. For that reason, you honor me when you include me in your life.”

• “It is my job to take care of you now as you grow. It is not your job to take care of me. I promise you that I am working to take care of myself and will always look for supports in my life.”

• “So please don't spare me. Include me. Let me be the best parent I know how to be.”

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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.

This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.