By Dr. Ken Ginsburg
Sometimes the negativity of the world seeps into our homes. Because we care so deeply about one another, we may become more upset over “offenses” from loved ones than from anyone else. Or, we become particularly frustrated when someone we most care about makes a mistake precisely because we worry more about the consequences. In these moments, we risk hurting the very people we most want to protect.
Jewish culture offers timeless guidance in these situations. The concept of Shalom Bayit — peace in our homes — reminds us that, regardless of outside pressures, our homes should remain places of safety and security. Practicing compassion and forgiveness keeps families strong, even in times of disagreement.
Every person needs a space to settle. For children, home should be a place to play and learn freely. Adolescents, with their heightened sensitivity, need calm surroundings to reflect, plan, and restore themselves.
A peaceful home is a haven during turbulent times and a place to savor life during good times. Families that practice forgiveness create bonds of trust. Children who know they won’t be rejected, even when they make mistakes, are more likely to turn to their parents for guidance when they need it most.
Forgiveness starts with letting go of the need to be right or to “win” an argument. In a family, winning means preserving togetherness. Sometimes it means setting aside issues you know won’t be resolved. It means choosing to cherish one another above all else.
Generating guilt or lingering on disappointment undermines forgiveness. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, focus on growth and moving forward. Forgiveness does not erase mistakes — it acknowledges them and chooses to build from them.
Forgiveness can be freely given, but it can also be earned. Teaching children how to apologize genuinely equips them for healthy relationships. A meaningful apology:
Children grow in empathy when they see how their actions affect others. Using “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”) invites reflection rather than defensiveness. It will more likely activate the genuine response, “I didn't mean to make you feel ________ when I did _________. I'm sorry.”
Parents often find it easier to forgive their children than themselves. But when children see a parent consumed by guilt, they may worry their mistakes will cause lasting damage in you. This will prevent them from including you in their life precisely when they need you the most. In other words, they’ll spare you to protect you, but you won't be positioned to help them.
Modeling self-compassion teaches kids that imperfection is part of being human — and that love and worth remain intact despite errors.
Forgiving yourself not only eases your own burdens, it shows your children how to extend the same grace to themselves and others.
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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.
This piece is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.