Photo Courtesy: Center for Parent and Teen Communication

By Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It can be awe-inspiring to watch children move through adolescence, as the adults they are becoming come into focus. But sometimes what we see is not what we expected. Our teens may struggle in ways that leave them — and us — unsettled.

How might your child be developing differently than you imagined? The way they identify or envision their future may not fit into preconceived notions of where you thought they would land. It is beyond the scope of this article to address every possibility. What matters most is that your child knows you see them as the right person to be your child — as they truly are. Life is easier when the person whose opinion matters most accepts and supports you fully.

Even if your teen finds sharp words or unwelcome behaviors to make you think your opinions don’t matter, trust me — they do. If your child seems to be pushing you away, understand this as their way of coping with how much they love you. Don’t be discouraged. Give them space. Keep your love unconditional. That’s what will ultimately draw you closer.

As adolescents struggle to find themselves, they may experience angst, anxiety, or even depression. Adolescence can be inspiring, but it is also the time when humans wrestle with one of life’s most profound questions: Who am I? This search for identity is complex and can cause confusion as teens consider how they might contribute to the world, earn a living, fit in with peers, and form relationships.

The pressure to figure out so much at once can create emotional turmoil or acting out. Rest assured, this is temporary. Often, it’s the most sensitive and thoughtful young people who experience these struggles. Your role is to help them manage their gifts of sensitivity and thoughtfulness. You’ve raised a human being who is finding themselves. Consider yourself fortunate if they are letting you witness their full complexity.

If your child doesn’t fit into your expectations, remind yourself that your acceptance of who they are is the most protective force in their life. Perfection was never an option, nor is it even definable. Some of your expectations may become reality, others may not. Your child may stumble along the way. Your responsibility is to make sure they know you think they are wonderful just as they really are. Emphasis on really are. That means you see their true self and love them — even if you don’t approve of every behavior. For example, you can admire your child’s goodness and sensitivity while not accepting substance use, which masks that sensitivity. You can value their newfound assertiveness while not condoning selfishness.

Now let’s turn to something harder for many parents: seeing yourself as good enough just the way you are. Many caring parents believe they should be able to handle anything. Some even see their children’s struggles as reflections of their own failures.

I have devoted my career to supporting parents as they strive to be the people adolescents need and deserve. Please trust this reassurance: Good parents do not raise children without problems. Good parents show up and stand by their children when problems arise. They guide them to professional support when needed.

Good parents stand by their imperfect children. They remain steady and present for their struggling children. They offer unconditional love, knowing the person they cherish needs them most. Children gain lifelong security when their parents see all their strengths and challenges — and choose to love them fully.

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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.

This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.