By Dr. Ken Ginsburg
Resilience is about rebounding from challenges and adapting to changing circumstances. We can all draw from our natural resilience to meet the moment. However, people with a deeply rooted sense of security can more easily summon the confidence needed to remain flexible enough to successfully respond to new or difficult circumstances.
Over the decades, countless parents have asked me to help them find the “right“ words to help their children or adolescents resolve problems. My answer remains the same. Show up and stand by your child. Let them know that whatever they are going through, they will not be going through it alone. Ask what they need from you. Then, listen to learn what they need. Do they need a listening ear? A reminder that no circumstances could ever drive you away? Do they need you to use the language of resilience that reinforces your trust in their problem-solving ability.
Above all, allow your presence to reinforce that the person who knows them best – all their strengths, limitations, and complexities – chooses to love them. That is the root of security.
Once you've shown up, what then? Adolescents love support but hate giving up control. Don’t tell them what to do, but do offer guidance. But first, get guidance from them. Ask whether your child wants a hug, just your presence, a sounding board, advice, or space.
Giving space is hard. That moment can seem endless when you want to move into fix-it mode. But with that pause, you're conveying that you trust your child can get through this, drawing from their internal strengths and their ability to comfort themselves. You communicate that they will ultimately find solutions. You’ll stand by their side but trust in their growing capabilities.
When I use the terms “unconditional” and “unwavering” associated with loving presence, it can be unsettling to some parents initially. Their first thought is, “Of course they know I will never stop loving them. I am careful with my criticism, and they know they mean everything to me.” While some parents need to reflect on the real conditions they place on acceptance, we all must consider the unintended messages we send.
Adults who place conditions on their acceptance can harm their children’s security and inadvertently foster a relationship their teens will reject and their adult children may choose to maintain minimally. This is especially true if they are living lives they perceive would not meet the approval of their parents. Let me be clear: These adults usually place conditions precisely because they care; they are demanding a certain way of performing or creating a set of standards important to them. But if they communicate they will be shamed if their child strays from those standards, their children will avoid sharing things that might bring about rejection.
Be careful with messages that convey:
Even parents who know not to explicitly place a conditional statement attached to their love may inadvertently make their relationship feel tentative based on certain conditions. Let’s consider three common circumstances.
On the surface, these statements seem positive. But they could backfire by bringing a condition into the relationship? How?
Who doesn’t feel pride as they see elements of themselves in their children? As our children reach their teen years, we really can see ourselves in the adults they are becoming. It is exciting . . . to us.
In a few years, as young adults or as parents, they will also celebrate that the best parts of them have their roots in their parents. But for now, your teen has to find themself. They must imagine themself as an individual, connected to you but entirely separate from you. Most critically, you don’t want to suggest your pride is tied to your similarities. You never want your child to feel as though you might feel less proud when they find their own footing.
You are not your child's friend. Being a parent is a much better thing. We all want our children to like us. Many people raised by distant or rigid parents wish they had friendly or more approachable parents and understandably compensate by leading with friendship. The problem is that as much as our tweens and teens sing praises about their friends, they worry endlessly about fitting in with them or even being rejected by them. In other words, friendship is conditional. Parents are not. Be approachable. Be flexible. Even be fun. But don't be a friend. Your presence as a parent is far more critical. You’re going to set boundaries and rules because you care. And you're never going anywhere; they're stuck with you.
Parents often act as cheerleaders. When our children report accomplishments like doing well in school or playing fiercely on the fields, we congratulate them on their achievements. We also praise them when they've done something that makes us proud. Cheering feels nice in the moment because the recognition feels good. Remembering how good it feels, our tweens and teens seek more affirmation with new successes.
But what about when things don't go well?
If you say, “I am so proud of you because ________,” your adolescent might consider that if they don’t do ___________, they’ll lose your support. The word “because,” whether spoken or implied, puts a condition on your pride. Instead, let your adolescent know that what brings you the greatest happiness and contentment is to be closely connected and having a trusted relationship with them.
Let your child know that when things are going well, you want to hear about it. But when they might need you the most, when things are challenging, you also want to know. Notice their accomplishments and reinforce positive behaviors. Celebrate your relationship and how they trust you with the details of their lives. This tells your child that you stand by them in good and challenging times.
Practice different responses for when you hear about something from them and then say, “I love that we have such a trusted relationship that you share what is important to you with me.” When you focus on your relationship rather than the news you are hearing, you’ll keep hearing about the accomplishments and you’ll more likely know when things aren’t going as well.
Your unwavering love tells your child they're worthy of being loved. This offers them the internal strength to stretch into new territory and make mistakes but never fear rejection. They’ll know that when they need support someone will reliably show up. People with this level of security can muster the flexibility humans need to adapt to changing realities. That is resilience.
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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.
This piece is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.