By Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Can love spoil a child? No. Love only makes them sweeter.

The love you have for your child is an unshakable, positive force. But if your child sees themselves as your only source of meaning and purpose, problems can arise.

As a pediatrician, I dream of a world where every child knows that at least one adult — ideally more — is irrationally in love with them. Every young person deserves that. The risk comes when children believe they are responsible for their parents’ happiness.

When Attention Turns Into Pressure

A child who feels responsible for a parent’s well-being may avoid sharing struggles, fearing disappointment. They may strive to please at all costs, creating constant anxiety. It’s a heavy burden for any young person to feel accountable for another person’s joy.

Many parents today absorbed lessons from the self-esteem movement, which encouraged adults to focus on making children feel special at all times. We cheered when they slid down the playground slide, praised them as “unique as snowflakes,” and turned ordinary moments into performances. But constant attention can teach children they must always please or perform. It can breed perfectionism — or entitlement.

When we say things like “I couldn’t live without you” or “I don’t know what I did before you came along,” we express love but also place responsibility for our well-being on our children.

How to Get It Right

Continue to tell your child how much you love them—it is deeply protective. But also follow these practices:

• Allow downtime. Give children time to play freely and adolescents time to reflect. Play and rest are essential, not optional.
  
  
• Speak the language of joy, not sacrifice. When you do for your child, let it be an expression of delight. If you frame your parenting as a sacrifice—“I gave this up for you” — they may feel guilty rather than loved.
  
  
• Live a full, adult life. Show your child that, while they are central to you, they are not your only source of fulfillment. Value other relationships, your work, your creativity, your faith, your community. Model what a well-rounded adult life looks like.
  
  

The Larger Message

This advice is simple but powerful: love your child deeply, while also living a full life yourself. Children learn more from what we model than what we say. When they see you nurture friendships, celebrate community, enjoy creative pursuits, or find purpose in work, they learn that adulthood can be meaningful and balanced.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is strategic parenting. It raises children who feel secure, less anxious about pleasing others, and more prepared to build their own satisfying lives.

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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.

This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.