By Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You’ll feel better about parenting, and you and your child will experience less pressure when you focus on what defines authentic success. It starts with concentrating on what really matters.

Too often, parents look at the child in front of them and judge “success” based on happiness or school performance. That lens can create intense pressure. Children may feel like their momentary mood carries tremendous meaning for their parents. Academic performance can put an awful lot of pressure on school performance, and generate anxiety that backfires for the academically-oriented child. It can also create feelings of self-doubt in the child who excels in non-academic areas or hasn't discovered their academic strengths.

To be clear, having a happy child who performs well in school is a good thing. The problem with happiness as a meaningful measure of success is that it is too easy to get – a cookie can make a child happy. It’s also too easy to lose -- a frustrated word from a parent can instantly change a child's mood. The problem with using school performance as a measure of success is that some children may be left out in the short term. And some academically successful children do not possess characteristics that will ensure ongoing success after their school years.

If we want children to experience authentic success, we must see who they can become rather than how they behave or perform in the moment. Parent while considering the 35-year-old adult child you are raising. Look towards that adult child being able to confidently navigate the world independently while choosing to be interdependent with others.

Encourage an adult who can confidently navigate the world.

There are key strengths that position adults to succeed in the world. People are uneven, and neither you nor your child will possess all these strengths. However, reflecting on these character strengths can help you consider which ones need your focused attention as you commit to supporting their development.

Successful people possess many key strengths:

Happiness. Why start with happiness right after saying that we should focus less on immediate happiness? We want adults to be happy! But adult happiness is less tied to fleeting pleasures and more aligned to whether they have healthy relationships and a sense that they matter. Consider these other strengths, and your adult child will be equipped to experience greater happiness.

A growth mindset as described by Carol Dweck, and a love of learning. We must continually improve if we are to thrive. We should see failure as an opportunity for improvement rather than something that impacts our self-worth or progress. Encourage your child’s curiosity and model a willingness to grow. Praise your child's actions, not their results. Emphasize that what they're doing is what determines their outcome. For example, don't say, “You are so smart in math! No wonder you aced the test.” Say instead, “You studied hard and asked questions until you understood the problems. You earned that grade!”

Compassionate people tend to do better in every aspect of life. The best way to support your child's growing compassion is to have them experience its benefits firsthand. Be forgiving. Allow mistakes. Then, be forgiving of yourself. Show compassion for the downtrodden. Let your child see you acknowledge human suffering. Uplift others. Commit to repairing the world – in Hebrew – Tikkun Olam.

Have a collaborative spirit. No one succeeds in any workplace – or relationship – without listening to other people and building better plans based on what they hear. Expose your child to team activities and collaborative projects to become better prepared.

People with intellectual humility who recognize we can learn from others will gain new knowledge and stretch into new territory. Let children hear adults discuss the importance of listening to the other side rather than letting divisive forces take hold. Expose them to diversity of thought and cultures so they can learn from those who are different from us.

People with a sense of meaning and purpose can withstand momentary challenges and stay focused on what matters to them. Finding a purpose takes time but is reinforced when children learn their presence matters. Encourage actions that enable your child to learn how much they matter. From volunteer activities to acts of kindness – in Hebrew gemilut hasadim – to someone deserving support, share how contributing to others’ lives brings meaning to yours.

Perhaps the most significant marker of success in the workplace is the ability to receive and respond to constructive criticism. People who see critiques as attacks cannot grow. They will respond defensively to feedback rather than incorporate suggestions into their work.

Successful people are resilient. They can distinguish real from perceived danger. They know that they can better navigate situations when they remain calm and join with others. Recommend your tween or teen complete the Center for Parent and Teen Communication’s stress management plan. It will help them consider healthy ways humans cope with stress and design strategies that work for them. Individuals who use healthy coping strategies are less likely to resort to risky, quick-fix solutions and are better positioned to rebound from challenges.

Raise an adult who chooses to navigate the world with others:

We will create a healthier society if we include interdependence and belonging as critical markers of success. We focus so much on independence and individual success that we've created some lonely people. The former surgeon general has called the lack of human connection a crisis in America that affects both emotional and physical well-being. You want your adult child to know they matter in others’ lives, including yours! So, be the kind of parent now that your adult child will choose to be interdependent with for decades to come.

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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP, practices adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. He is the founding director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication and has written multiple award-winning books.

This op-ed is connected to a project by the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia and the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, which aims to equip Jewish teens and families with resilience-building tools rooted in science and Jewish values.